Is your child dependent on a high level of assistance to fall asleep? Do you find yourself rocking, bouncing, cuddling, patting, or feeding your child every night just to help them settle down? If so, you're not alone. Many parents face the challenge of helping their child learn to sleep independently, only to be met with resistance and frustration. This further leads to questions around why your child won't settle to sleep without your help and the reason behind your child's sleep dependence. In this blog, I'll explain why some children require a high level of assistance to sleep, potential underlying issues, and strategies to help your child move towards healthy, independent sleep habits.
Understanding the Need for High-Level Sleep Assistance
Children who require a lot of help to fall asleep often have developed sleep expectations that make it difficult for them to settle down on their own. Subject to popular belief, in 99% of cases, these sleep expectations are not the fault of he parent. It’s not your fault that your child relies on you to achieve sleep; sleep was difficult for them in the first place, and you probably resorted to assisting them to sleep, just so you and your child could achieve that much needed rest! Which is completely reasonable, by the way.
While high levels of assistance can be effective in the short term, they can create long-term sleep challenges for both the child and the parents. I have an approach of “it’s not a problem unless it’s a problem for you” so if you’re happy and content assisting your child to slepp, then there is no need to change anything. However, if you’re read to encourages independent sleep skills for your child, then there are many things we can do to make this transition.
The Real Reason for High-Level Sleep Assistance
In nearly all cases, requiring a high level of assistance to sleep is a sign of an underlying issue. These underlying issues are essentially root factors that interrupt your child’s ability to achieve the natural, biological process of falling asleep independently.
Underlying issues can interfere with a child’s subconscious thoughts around sleep. When such an issue is present, it often causes the subconscious mind to flag sleep as a threat or risk. The brain doesn’t assess the severity of this perceived risk. Sleep itself isn’t a risky process, but due to the effects of these underlying issues, the subconscious brain can flag it as dangerous. Consequently, the child seeks out specific sleep conditions they deem “safe.”
These safe sleep conditions are typically those high levels of assistance that parents resort to when nothing else works—such as rocking, feeding, cuddling, and bouncing. Once your child has flagged these sleep expectations as “safe,” any attempt to move away from them is met with resistance. The subconscious brain perceives the change as unsafe without evaluating the severity of the danger. Any change, whether significant or small, is seen as risky.
At this point, the fight-or-flight response kicks in, resulting in a significant and heightened emotional response, such as kicking, screaming, arching of the back, crying, or yelling. This is your child subconsciously refusing the changes you’re trying to implement, all stemming from the underlying issue that triggered sleep resistance in the first place.
And so, as you can see, the cycle repeats itself and any attempt at change can be met with confusion and guilt from your behalf, leading you to second guess your choice around establishing self-settling skills. Keep in mind that although your child’s subconscious brain is flagging this process as a threat, it certainly does not mean the overall process is dangerous on any level. Particularly, when we implement gentle, supportive and responsive methods.
The Challenge of Transitioning Away from Sleep Assistance
The attempt to move away from high-level sleep assistance can be difficult and may trigger a strong resistance from your child, due to the sudden absence of their usual sleep cues. This doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t proceed towards healthy, independent sleep habits for your child.
Whilst there are many ways we can move away from sleep associations and gentle encourage our children to build independent settling skills, there is no one-size-fits-all approach. Trying to implement a generic or mainstream approach just assumes that we’re all the same parents, have the same children, with the same sleep issues and sleep goals. And since the mattress settling method approach is only complimentary to any plan, it’s not the “savings grace” of sleep resolutions.
The first step you will want to take when addressing your child’s high need for assistance to achieve sleep, is to understand WHY their mind is flagging sleep as a risk in the first place. You can start to understand the concept of underlying issues in my blog: Underlying Issues Affecting Sleep.
Also, please download a free copy of my Underlying Issues Check List to screen for any other red flags which suggest your child’s biological sleeping process is under influence.
What Can I Try?
In the meantime, there are some strategies you can introduce to ease the transitional period from assisted sleep to independent sleep:
Gradual Transition: Instead of abruptly removing sleep aids, try a gradual approach. Slowly reduce the amount of assistance you provide each night. For example, if you usually rock your child to sleep, gradually decrease the time spent rocking over several nights. You can start with rocking until nearly asleep, then until drowsy, then move to rocking until calm and then introduce your chosen mattress settling approach.
Consistent Bedtime Routine: Establish a calming and predictable bedtime routine to signal to your child that it's time to sleep. This can include activities like a warm bath, reading a book, or gentle music. It is also super helpful to establish a set bedtime to internalise a pattern in the circadian rhythm, (internal body clock). When this pattern is set, your child will then subconsciously know when they should be awake and when they should be asleep, making sleep onset much faster and easier.
Comfort Objects: Introduce a comfort object, such as a stuffed animal or blanket, that your child can associate with sleep. This can provide a sense of security and help them feel more comfortable falling asleep on their own. Please note that Red Nose (Australian Safe Sleep Guides) say that safe sleep comforters should only be left in the cot after the age of 7 months whilst the AAP (American Academy of Paediatrics) state the age is 12 months.
Create a Sleep-Friendly Environment: Ensure your child's sleep environment is conducive to rest. This includes keeping the room dark, cool, and quiet. Consider using white noise machines or blackout curtains if necessary.
Stay Calm and Consistent: It's important to remain calm and consistent throughout the process. Children can sense and emulate their parents emotions, so if you’re feeling stressed or anxious about the process, you will trigger your child to feel the same way. This can lead to that high level of sleep resistance that you’re trying to avoid.
Positive Reinforcement: Particularly for children over the age of 2 years, the use of positive reinforcement to encourage independent sleep can be super beneficial. Praise your child for their efforts; positive reinforcements go a long way!
By understanding the reasons behind your child's need for high-level sleep assistance and implementing some changes, you can support your child in developing healthy sleep habits that will benefit them for a lifetime. Remember, every child is different, so it's important to find what works best for your family.
If you have tried all the recommended tips and are still struggling, or would like to speak with me to discuss your situation, please schedule a free discovery call to chat with me:
Shereen xx
I'm Shereen Nielsen, a certified Sleep Consultant specialising in infants and children from birth to 15 years old. With over eight years of experience, I've assisted over 4500 families in achieving better sleep. Additionally, I serve as a lecturer and mentor, guiding aspiring sleep consultants on their path to certification through my internationally recognised online Sleep Consultant Course.
Phone: +61419820474
Email: hello@shereennielsen.com
Website: www.shereennielsen.com
Facebook: @shereennielsen.sleepconsultant
Instagram: @shereennielsen_sleepconsultant
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